The Jaggerz -- Satire by D.R.Peak

THE JAGGERZ

by D.R.Peak

"Good evening! We're live here in Los Angeles and it's been just announced, the big news we've all been waiting on, here it is: Jacksonville, the River City by the sea, now has its very own band! That's right, after all the hoopla, all the noise, the months of talks and negotiating, we're going to get our own very rock 'n' roll band! The band, officially called the JAGGERZ, will represent Jacksonville when the new season starts next year."

"Yes, Ron, this is great news; all of Jacksonville will be celebrating tonight. The city will never be the same after this!"

"That's right, Susan. And no one is more proud right now than Don DeWitt, owner of the JAGGERZ, the man who started it all just a few years ago. We're going to Jim Tadbury, who's with the proud Mr. DeWitt right now. Jim?"

"Hello, Ron and Susan. Yes, this is a great moment for the entire city and with me is Don DeWitt, proud owner of the JAGGERZ. Mr. DeWitt, how do you feel right now?"

"Well, I think you know how I feel, just fantastic, I can't even begin to describe it."

"Do we have a line-up for the band, yet?"

"Well, we have Billy Patterson signed up to do sound mixing, Chuck Manson will be our road manager, and we're in talks right now with Jon Sims to be the finance manager."

"But the band? What about the members of the band?"

"Well, I don't want to get anybody's hopes up, early as it is and all, but we do have some good contacts going with a number of muscians and I should be able to tell you more in a few days. Excuse, but I gotta go talk to my, uh, accountant."

"Well, thank you, Don DeWitt. Ron, back to you."

"Thank you, Jim. Well, this is a great day for Jacksonville, and we'll be back right after these commercial announcements."

"The JAGGERZ have signed their newest member: Mick Burner, formerly of the Toronto RUSH. Mick will be the lead singer, joining the already signed Nat Schmear on drums and Cocoa Barnes on bass. That only leaves the guitar and keyboard duties to fill, and with only six months before the inaugural season starts fans are afraid that this won't give the band enough time to learn all the songs. Don DeWitt, owner of the JAGGERZ says not to worry that with the draft coming up next week, that there's plenty of unsigned musicians out there just waiting to hook up with a good new band like the JAGGERZ."

"It was a crazy day, today, but it looks like the JAGGERZ have finished filling out their line-up."

"That's right, Susan, it seems that the lead guitar chores will be filled by Jules MacHenson, a graduate of Julliard; and on keyboard it will be Dee 'Hemp' Barber. Now Barber was recently kicked out of the Austin COWBOYS for drunkenness and disorderly conduct, does this have any of the fans of the JAGGERZ worried?"

"No, Susan, apparently not, as we go to Jim Tadbury who is live outside the JAGGERZ rehearsal hall in the heart of historic, scenic Five-Points. Jim?"

"Thanks, Ron and Susan. I'm here in historic Five-Points, on Dellwood Street, and as you can see in the background, the fans are going absolutely crazy! Sir, can you tell me what you think of the latest news about the JAGGERZ newest additions to their roster?"

"Oh, man, I think it's just great, Julliard's a great school and I have the biggest faith in Jules that he can do the job."

"And what about 'Hemp' Barber? Does his arrests and the fact he was thrown out of the Austin COWBOYS have any meaning to you?"

"Well, hey, it's rock 'n' roll, you know? And, besides, I hear he's been through rehab. And he is an awesome player, his samples are second to none!"

"So you got your season tickets, yet?"

"Hell yeah, man! JAGGERZ! JAGGERZ! JAGGERZ!"

"The city has just okayed a deal with Don DeWitt that will make fans of the JAGGERZ happy. The city will pay $40 million dollars to renovate and repair the Jacksonville Coliseum. But will it be ready in time for the first concert this New Years? Fans across the city will be holding their breath in anticipation."

"The JAGGERZ are giving back to the city that gives to them! All their fans are invited to a free, that's right FREE! show at their rehearsal place in historic Five-Points, this Saturday. Come early as all seats are first come first served."

"Hi, I'm Mitch Burner, lead singer with the JAGGERZ. Do you get hangovers? How about hellish-nightmare Monday mornings where you can't drag yourself out of bed? Do you sometimes feel like your get up and go has got up and went? Well, now you can fix all that with new JJ TABLETS, the drug of choice of the JAGGERZ. Just one tablet dissolved in water and you'll feel better in no time. Take it from me, Mitch Burner, I know what I'm talking about."

"Win a free limo ride to the JAGGERZ inaugural concert! Sign up at any participating Li'l Champ and win an opportunity to go to dinner before the show at Cafe On the Square in one of Dino's Limousines. Win a free wardrobe and make-over also!"

You can now keep up with all the JAGGERZ news on the internet! Visit their web-site at www.jagz@jax.info/nacb/industry/.html and be amazed! Download interviews, song lyrics, concert schedules, pictures of the band, the road crew and more!

"The JAGGERZ hit the road tomorrow; playing in New York with their band, the JOEYS, and the Woodstock DYLANS. After that they fly to Seattle to do a show with the JIMIS, and then onto Los Angeles to play with the L.A. GUNS. Their homecoming on the fourth of July will be a big one, they'll be playing with the Minneapolis PRINCE and the San Francisco DEAD."

"Billy Patterson, house mixer for the JAGGERZ was fired today, reportedly after it was learned that he had been too many complaints from concert-goers over the quality of the sound. He will replaced by Mike Pins, who has in the past mixed for such notables as the London STONES and the Atlanta GOTHICS."

"Jacksonville mourns tonight after the latest news: Dee 'Hemp' Barber, keyboardist was found dead in the apartment of one of the hair stylists for the band. 'Hemp' apparently died of a drug overdose, details are lacking this early in the investigation. 'Hemp' will be missed by all of his adoring fans. This news comes right after 'Hemp' resigned with the JAGGERZ for the next season for a reported yearly salary of $15 million dollars."

"Take a ride on a riverboat cruise and meet the road crew for the JAGGERZ! One day only at the Riverwalk! Come on down! Meet new sound-m mixer, Mike Pins, road manager, Chuck Manson, and all the guys who put the JAGGERZ on the road every night!"

"Will Ray Tally be able to fill the shoes so recently, and sadly, by Jacksonville's beloved Dee 'Hemp' Barber who passed away last week of an apparent drug-induced suicide. We're with Sara Yerkes, a big fan of the JAGGERZ. Sara, what do you think of this recent addition to the JAGGERZ all-star line-up?"

"I think it's great. It's about time that we got a capable keyboardist in the band, one who can help take us all the way to MTV awards this year. 'Hemp' was great, but I don't think he was of the caliber that a band like the JAGGERZ needs. It only takes one weak link in the chain, if you know what I mean, and Ray Tally has the experience that 'Hemp' lacked. And he looks great with his shirt off, too."

"And we all know how important that is to a rock 'n' roll band, don't we!"

"Blake Nesbitt claims to be the JAGGERZ biggest fan and he just may be correct isn't that right, Jim?"

"Yes, Susan, we're here in Mr. Nesbitt's living room and as you can see, everything is done in teal and black, the official colors of the JAGGERZ. Here we have a signed limited-edition poster of the JAGGERZ, JAGGERZ coffee cups on the shelves next to the JAGGERZ metal lunchbox, and the official JAGGERZ calendar hangs on the wall along with gold and platinum renditions of all the JAGGERZ CDs. And here we have Mr. Nesbitt himself in his teal and black recliner. So are you ready for your bands big night next week?"

"Yes I am. Me and my wife can't wait. We're getting our van painted right now, a custom job so that it will look just like the JAGGERZ tour bus, only smaller, of course."

"And this is the entertainment center you'll watch the away shows at?"

"That's right, Jim. I paid a total of seven-thousand dollars for this set-up; it's got the big eighty-inch screen, the tower speakers with sub-bass and surround sound. It'll be almost just like being there."

"And I hear that you have a story to tell about meeting one of the JAGGERZ?"

"Yeah, I did. I was in Wal-Mart with my wife and kids and we were just going down the kitchenware aisle and lo and behold: who did we see, but Cocoa Barnes herself."

"The JAGGERZ bassist? In Wal-Mart?"

"That's right, almost didn't believe it myself. I wasn't gonna say anything, but my wife, she's just a big fan like me and she went up to her and got her to autograph her stomach. She was just tickled pink."

And where is your wife right now, Mr. Nesbitt?"

"Well, she's at the tattoo parlor, getting Cocoa's autograph permantly tattooed onto her skin so she can wear it proudly forever."

"Sounds like a true fan, alright."

"Yeah, that's my wife."

"Very bad news for the JAGGERZ tonight. Mick Burner, lead singer with the band has jumped ship! Mick has been reportedly unhappy with the band in recent concerts and Don Dewitt, proud owner of the JAGGERZ, has apparently, albeit reluctantly, let him out of his contract so he can sign with the Memphis KINGS. No word on his replacement as of yet. Mick cited his leaving on 'artistic differences'."